


The Dirty Secrets of Being Superheroic

by tarradiddle



Category: Batman: The Animated Series, DCU Animated, Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons)
Genre: Domestic, Gen, Humor, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 23:45:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/545139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarradiddle/pseuds/tarradiddle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark has an embarrassing problem, but gets help from an unexpected quarter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dirty Secrets of Being Superheroic

**Author's Note:**

> Set after both BTAS: Old Wounds and JL: Starcrossed

Clark took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said aloud, “This is not a big deal.” He picked up his phone and dialed.  
  
A voice he didn't expect picked up the line. “Hello, you've reached fabulous Wayne Manor, how may I direct your call?”  
  
“Oh, Dick? This is Clark... Clark Kent.”  
  
“Oh, hey!” Clark thought he could hear the young man's grin over the wire. “Bruce is out, but I'm here doing some work... is this a business call?”  
  
“No, no, I was actually hoping to talk to Alfred.”  
  
“Sorry, but Alfred's out too, won't be back for a while. Anything I can help you with?”  
  
“Oh... It's not, it's not a big deal, really.” There was a thoughtful pause from the other end of the line. Clark quickly added, “Thanks anyway, Dick. Tell everyone hi.”  
  
“Have you tried OxiScrub?”  
  
Clark winced.  
  
Dick went on, “I mean, I'm guessing you tried cold water and soap already.”  
  
Clark glared briefly at the sodden mess in his small apartment sink. “Yes,” he said finally.  
  
“Tell you what, we've got all the good stuff here, why don't you come by. I'll meet you downstairs.”  
  
Faced with a choice of embarrassments, Clark let out a sigh. “Okay, thanks. You did say Bruce is out, right?”  
  
Dick laughed, “See you soon.”

   * * * * *   

  
A few minutes later Clark arrived in the Batcave, where he found Dick by the main computer, casually reviewing some recent case file. When Clark walked over, he just held out his hand for the bag of damp cloth.  
  
Clark handed it over with a sigh. “Okay, I'll bite. How in the world did you know?”  
  
Dick just raised an eyebrow, so like Bruce for a moment that Clark had to smile and raise his hands in mock surrender. Dick grinned, then looked into the bag at the gooey lump and said, “Let's see what we can do.” He led Clark to a small laundry room past the showers.  
  
“I didn't know there was laundry down here.” Clark tried not to sound either jealous or impressed, but he wasn't sure he'd succeeded.  
  
Dick laughed. “Well, can't be too careful. We did once catch a reporter in the main laundry looking for incriminating receipts in Bruce's pockets.” Dick tipped the Superman costume out into a large plastic basin, then began adding water and various soaps.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Truly. He was from one of those scandal rags, you know.” He flashed another mischievous grin at Clark. “Better those nosy reporters don't get more than they bargain for.” Clark just rolled his eyes.  
  
“We should let this soak for a while, but it looks like it's working,” Dick swirled the mixture gently, and pointed out a place where the lurid green splotches did seem to be lifting away from the blue.  
  
“Thanks, Dick.” Clark sighed and leaned back against the wall.  
  
Dick glanced sidelong at Clark and grinned. “Still want to know my secret?” Clark just raised his eyebrows in calm curiosity. “Ha, okay. You know, you're not the only one who's sought Alfred's advice since the League was here. Flash took up cooking last month, and he was always popping up or calling looking for ideas about easy high-energy meals that would also impress girls.”  
  
Clark chuckled at the mental image this conjured up, then scuffed a hand back through his hair. “It feels silly to get so discouraged by something that most people manage to do.”  
  
Dick flicked a hand in dismissal. “Most people don't have to scrub inter-dimensional ichor out of alien super-cloth. That was the other clue, incidentally.” He began to tick points off on his fingers. “Most people who call to speak to Alfred are looking for advice on food, clothing, or leverage over Bruce. You've never called for the first, and it's not a holiday or anything, no reason you'd start now. You don't need the last, and if you did, you know enough not to try through Alfred. Plus, I saw you get covered with fluorescent green ooze fighting space bugs on the news. Catastrophic laundry trauma was the best fit for all the facts.”  
  
Clark smiled, saying, “Expertly reasoned, young sir.”  
  
Dick made a little mock bow from the waist. “Why, thank you.”  
  
They exchanged a bit more casual news while the costume soaked, and Dick showed Clark exactly which compounds and products he was using to get the goop off. Finally Dick started it through a cycle in the washing machine to get the soaps out. While it worked, they were chatting in the main part of the Cave about a story Clark was writing about law enforcement in Metropolis and the differences in Gotham, when the door to the Manor flew open and Bruce came briskly down the stairs.  
  
“I got that new fiber sample to check against the Thompson murder scene...” He looked up from the files he was carrying. “Clark. You didn't call. Everything fine?”  
  
“Oh, oh yes, everything's fine.”  
  
Bruce arched one eyebrow.  
  
Dick put in smoothly, “Clark was asking whether we had run across anything in our extraterrestrial research like those bugs that were in Metropolis this morning, and I said I could check for him.”  
  
“Uh-huh. And was there anything?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Right. Then you can get started on this.” He held out a plastic bag with threads in it. “I need to head back upstairs for a conference call.”  
  
Dick took the samples. “Maybe Clark can take a look, double check the computer's analysis.”  
  
Bruce snorted. “Fine.” He glanced at Clark. “Unless that's too mundane a use for super-vision.”  
  
Clark turned firmly to Dick, saying, “I'd be happy to take a look at it. As a double check, of course.”  
  
Bruce added only a noncommittal grunt and headed back up the stairs. A few steps from the top he stopped and called back over his shoulder without looking: “You two idiots aren't using bleach on priceless alien fabric, are you?”  
  
Clark felt himself go slightly pink around the edges.  
  
“No, Bruce,” Dick called in a slight sing-song.  
  
“Good.” The door closed again.  
  
Dick glanced over at Clark's stifled embarrassment and laughed, clapping him on the shoulder. “Come on, big guy. Let's get your suit done and I'll tell you about the last time he absolutely ruined a Batsuit by going after Ivy and Croc in the same evening. Alien space goo is nasty, but sap and sewage is a truly appalling combination.”

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Inspired loosely by a page in Batman #513, in which Dick Grayson (Batman at the time) and Tim Drake (Robin) do laundry together, and Tim jokes about how Dick's domestic skills give him a leg up on previous Batmen.


End file.
